Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Piano Jokes!

From Joy of Color in My Piano:

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?  Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
Why are pianists’ fingers like lightning?  They rarely strike the same place twice.
Why was the piano invented?  So the pianist would have a place to put his coffee.
What’s the difference between a piano accompanist and a terrorist?  You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?  A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?  A flat major.
What’s the difference between a pianist and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Two people are walking down the street. One is a pianist; the other didn’t have any money either.
How do you make a million dollars playing the piano?  Start with two million.
Definition of a piano tuner: A person employed to come into the home, rearrange the furniture, and annoy the cat. The tuner’s chief purpose is to ascertain the breaking point of the piano’s strings.
Piano Tuner: I’ve come to tune the piano.
Music Teacher: But we didn’t send for you.
Piano Tuner: No, but the people who live across the street did.

How do you get two piano players to play in perfect unison?  Shoot one.
Did you hear about the piano player who played in rhythm?  Neither did I.
What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?  A sharp major.
The audience at a piano recital was appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, “If that’s my agent, tell him I’m working!”
The piano player went into a coffee shop but kept fidgeting so much that he could not enjoy his coffee. Finally the server asked him what was wrong. The piano player replied, “My keys, my keys! I can’t seem to find my keys!”
My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday.  A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
“Oh,” said my dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”
“How come?” I asked.
“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing….”

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation.  She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Oppernockity.  He arrived 2 days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left.  Several days later Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again.  She called the tuner to complain about the tuning and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem.  However, the tuner replied, “I’m sorry ma’am, but Oppernockity only tunes once!”
A pianist and singer are rehearsing “Autumn Leaves” for a concert and the pianist says:?”OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor.”? The singer says: “Wow, I don’t think I can remember all of that.” The pianist says: “Well, that’s what you did last time.”
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

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